Relationship Building Skills: Emotional Check-ins
Sometimes it is the "little things" that are most effective in building a happy and long lasting relationship.
Mary says to her partner Bob: "Last night I had a terribly disturbing dream." Bob, turning to toward Mary, compassionately asks her what her dream was about. For a moment, their eyes connect, and Mary goes on to describe her dream.
Mary and Bob are driving down the highway. Bob turns to Mary and says, "Look at that beautiful sports car." Mary turns her head and looks, and then says to Bob, "What kind of car is it?"
At first glance, such interactions between two partners or a husband and wife may seem insignificant. However, they are not. In fact, they are the substance of a healthy and likely long-lasting relationship.
Emotional check-ins
These little emotional interactions are an essential relationship building skill and must be used by partners everyday to renew and strengthen the emotional connection they have with each other.
I call these simple interactions " emotional check-ins." In the above examples, both Bob and Mary took turns requesting an emotional connection with each other and received a positive response.
Like a child walking with his mother, he reassures himself by glancing at her face every now and then to make sure she is there. When he sees her, he is reassured that all is well. The same "checking-in" goes on between two adult partners.
Divorce prevention
Couples that are on their way toward separation or divorce are not like this. Susan, reading a magazine says to her partner John, " This magazine has an article on the most beautiful gardens in the world." John ignores Susan's comment and continues reading his paper. Susan reached out for an emotional check-in, but John declined and in effect, turned his back on her.
Research has shown that couples that respond like this, ignoring a request for an emotional check-in, are typically on the road to relationship ruin. On the other hand, couples that respond positively to requests for "emotional check-ins," remain healthy and their relationship long lasting.
Turning to each other is an important relationship skill
These, everyday and seemingly insignificant little emotional interactions between two partners are actually the foundation of a healthy and successful relationship.
Even though the content--the topic of discussion--in these interactions are typically unimportant, they establish an emotional connection that forms the very foundation and rationalization for being together.
When these emotional check-ins lead to a positive response, it builds a momentum of positive regard that will sustain the couple even during times of relationship difficulties. It is like money in a bank that has been saved for a rainy day.
Check-ins protect the relationship and build emotional and romantic intimacy
When there is the occasional argument, each individual understands that this is only " momentary" and that soon, as a couple, they will be back on track. This feeling that soon they will be "back on track," is an expression of the positive emotional regard each has for the other. This emotional goodwill will protect the relationship during times of hardship.
It is a common belief that the way to build romance and desire in a relationship is by engaging in dramatic and often expensive activities together, such as going out to eat in a high-class restaurant or taking an exotic cruise. However, this is not the case.
The "positive emotional regard" created by common, but consistent, emotional -check-ins are what enhances and sustains relationship intimacy and passion.
If two people are feeling distant, or worse they feel uncomfortable in each other's company, going out to eat or on a trip together will likely lead to conflict and further relationship deterioration.
On the other hand, when two individuals enjoy and value every day emotional check-ins, they are set for meaningful and even dramatic romantic moments.
When it comes to passionate love, it really is the "little things" that matter.
The next time your partner turns to you with a little "chit chat," realize that he or she is asking you to participate in a love dance. If you respond positively, you are contributing to the health and longevity of your relationship. This bodes well for your future together.
Value and participate in the "small talk," it is an essential relationship building skill.
About the Author
Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., C.C.H.T., is a relationship specialist that has helped many people improve their relationships. As a family therapist, he has unique training to understand the needs of modern couples. This article has been presented to help you maintain a loving and long-lasting relationship.