Advanced Anger Management
You already understand how destructive anger is to your relationship. You know that anger and love are incompatible. And when both are present in the same moment, "anger," which is the stronger of the two, will prevail.
You know this. You have worked hard to control anger. And for the most part, you have been successful. You let things slide, you overlook your partner's imperfections and you try to contribute to a pleasant atmosphere in your home.
The anger control test
However, one situation remains that make staying clam and not getting angry challenging!
"How do I stay calm when my partner attacks me with anger? When this happens, it seems so natural to 'throw anger control out the window' and defend oneself also using anger. When attacked, anger management just doesn't seem to make any sense?"
Rise above your instincts
Understandably, when you feel you are under attack, you want to defend yourself--it is instinctual. However, you can resist your instincts when they betray your good, and the good of your family. You can behave in an unnatural way and stay calm. When you control anger and don't retaliate, likely your partner will calm down much quicker.
Anger management tips
How do you achieve this? How can you remain calm when you are feeling attacked? Let me share with you three sequential anger management steps:
1. Eliminate Judgments
As soon as you perceive you are under attack, immediately think to yourself, "I am okay, you are okay."
When you do this, you immediately eliminate any harsh judgment about what your partner is doing. You recognize, that the fact that your partner has become angry is his or her shortcoming, not yours. And since, you do not expect your partner to be perfect, it is "okay," that he or she behaves like this. Certainly, at another time you can share your feelings about how inappropriate it is to get angry and how it injures your shared relationship.
2. Validate Feelings
Next, summarize to your partner the reason he or she is angry. This sends a message to your partner that you understand what he or she is upset about. This does not mean in anyway that you necessarily agree--only that you understand what he or she is experiencing.
In most cases, validating feelings will help your partner calm down. If it doesn't, the next best thing to do is to walk away telling him or her that when they become calm, then you will return.
3. Try to Accommodate
Healthy marriages are built upon giving. The more you give your partner, and the more he or she gives you the healthier and happier your relationship will be. When you understand what your partner is upset about, regardless of what you think about his or her opinion on the matter, if you are able to accommodate, to give him or her what he or she wants, then do so.
However, if what your partner wants is not reasonable, then explain why you are unable to give him or her what he or she seeks. Discuss it when both of you are calm, and hopefully you can come to a mutual understanding and an acceptable plan of action.
Control anger and let love grow
The more anger that is eliminated between you and your partner the greater room there is for love to grow. With commitment, self-control and a little help from your partner hopefully you can achieve a life that is anger free.
Love will grow between the two of you, and upon reflection, you will realize the effort to eliminate anger from your relationship was worth it. You now have the opportunity--together with your partner--to fill your lives with the best emotion of all, LOVE.
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Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., C.C.H.T. After more after 20 years of direct work with individuals suffering from relationship stress and breakdown, Abe has come to understand that "anger" destroys friendship, love and intimacy. As a marriage and family therapist, he is in a unique position to help you get rid of anger. Learn more. Go to: www.GoSmartLife.com/FreeAngerManagemntTips and download free information that will help you manage anger and build relationship health and happiness.