No Anger Management No Love
Gasoline and fire cannot exist in harmoniously. So too, anger and love. Together they are a volatile mixture; with anger always winning out in the end.
Fear is the source of anger--fear of being forsaken, fear of losing control, fear of being hurt--and we are biologically programmed to avoid that which we fear. This is why anger and fear cannot live together. And since between the two, anger is the strongest, anger will always prevail and love will be banished.
The lesson is simple. Manage anger if you want a close, loving and long lasting relationship with your partner or child.
Anger memories stick like glue in the brain
Consider this analogy:
Someone hands you a fine crystal goblet and then fills it with costly champagne. You were thrilled to be given such a delightful drink and eagerly anticipate it's pleasing taste. You lift the goblet to your mouth and just before it touches your lips, you notice dead fly floating on the surface. You are so repulsed; you need to restrain yourself from dropping the glass to the floor. What sticks in your mind, perhaps for the rest of your life, is the memory of this dead fly floating in the champagne, not the crystal goblet or costly champagne.
It is human nature to hold on to the negative more than the positive. It is a universal setting within our brains and it does not distinguish between that which is rational or that which is irrational, that which is reasonable and that which is unreasonable.
Anger experiences are remembered more than love experiences
Living in harmony with your partner or son or daughter requires that you avoid negative unpleasant interactions--anger being the greatest "negative." When you direct anger at your partner or child, this will be retained in his or her memory for a very long time. When anger is expressed, the memory of this--for both the expresser of anger and the recipient of the anger--is combined together with all previous anger memories overwhelming the positive memories and experiences.
If you are the person that expresses the anger, you now will feel angry even when according to you there should be no cause. Repeated anger expressions can actually shape your personality to view a person unfairly in a negative way.
If you are a receiver of someone's anger, you will grow to fear him or her. This fear can actually shape your personality to where you may fear this individual even when, in the moment, no reason to fear actually exists.
Learn to manager anger
For all these reasons, anger should be avoided as much as possible. And if anger problems do find expression within your relationship, amends should be made to neutralize their impact.
Apologies, when appropriate, should be made. A commitment to stay calm in the future should be made. And equally important, every effort should be made to create as many positive and pleasant interactions as possible.
If needed, take a class in anger management or download a course from the Internet. Learning to control anger is essential to the health and happiness of all your relationships.
If you are to live in harmony with your partner and children, anger must be kept away. Manage anger so it doesn't create negative memories. Let love prevail and create meaningful and long-lasting relationships that are healthy for you and others.
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Abe Kass, M.A., R.S.W., R.M.F.T., C.C.H.T. is a registered family therapist. If you like the above article, you can download additional anger management tips from Abe's website. Go to: www.GoSmartLife.com/FreeAngerManagemntTips.
Abe is a relationship specialist that has already helped thousands of individuals make improvements their personal lives, marriages, committed relationships and families. He is certified by three professional organizations. This is your guarantee--unlike many others in the self-help field--that he is the "real deal."