Why Is This Happening to Me?
Why do bad things happen to good people? We've all asked ourselves this question at one point or another. I'm a kind, caring person, so why is my husband always angry with me? I always put my wife's needs before mine, why is it that she never returns the favour? I'm a fair and honest parent, why is my teenager always so rude and inconsiderate?
The answer to our first question can actually be found in the question itself. The questions "Why do bad things happen to good people," depicts a dysfunctional way of thinking about a personal or family problem because it precludes a useful answer. When you ask this question, you assume that you are the "good person," you believe that you are perfect and beyond responsibility. As such, there is little likelihood that you will search for how your behaviour has helped to create a particular problem.
Approach Things From a Different Angle
A more productive way of asking the question is,"Why is this happening to me?" By phrasing the question in this manner, you are required to take more responsibility for your actions. Once you are willing to approach the matter head on, you will have a better chance of truly tackling the issues at hand.
If we are honest and listen carefully to those people involved in a particular familial or marital "problem" situation, we can usually find an explanation for how we contribute to the circumstances. The key to changing a problematic situation is knowing your part in it, and then changing your behaviour in order to contribute to the solution.
You Only Get the Right Answers if You Ask the Right Questions
Compare the following questions with our original, "Why do bad things happen to go people?" Can you see the difference?
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A husband asked his wife, "Honey, why are you always angry with me?" She told him that he frequently treated her harshly and she often felt bullied.
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A father asked his son, "Why do you speak to me rudely all of time?" The son explained that he felt he needed to resist his parents in order to feel like his own person. He felt that he had no personal freedom, and that lashing out verbally was the only way he could take control.
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A wife asked her husband, "Why don't you spend more time with me?" He explained that he was frightened by her sudden mood swings and that he was trying to avoid her.
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A mother asked her five year old daughter, "Why don't you like doing your homework?" The girl explained that she felt stupid because she was the slowest reader in the class.
It Isn't Just About Asking, It's About Listening to the Answer
Once you know what questions to ask, it's important that you really listen to the answers when they are provided. Humans love to make "points," i.e. to express their opinions rather than respect and respond to the opinions of others. In fact, many people feel entitled to their opinions and will do whatever it takes to make sure their point is made. Unfortunately, making a point precludes listening. Making a point is adversarial and competitive and not very conducive to a harmonious relationship.
There are times to make a point or give an opinion. These times are rare and only occur after you get your spouse's direct or indirect permission to do so. If you want to make a point, be clear about your intentions. Say something like, "I have something important to discuss with you, when is a good time to talk about it," or "can I share with you feelings about a certain situation." Once you have made your point, make sure that you give your spouse the opportunity to provide their views. Confident and secure individuals know where they stand and can comfortably listen to others and their opinions.
Developing the strength to hold back that initial impulse to state your opinion can be tough. Just remember, the results will benefit everyone and you'll be blessed with the ability to work through some major relationship problems.