Who's The Boss Around Here?
Who runs the show in your family home? The parents or the kids? As a parent, it can be difficult to know when and how to discipline your child. Should you yell, or should you try and discuss things in a rational manner? Is punishment necessary, or is a stern warning sufficient? What's a parent to do when there's no simple solution to a problem? Let's consider the following example:
Bobby is bouncing a basketball in the kitchen. Bobby's mother tells him to stop; she is worried that he might accidentally break something with the ball. Bobby explains that he can't play outside because it is raining and that it's unfair to get mad at him when there is nothing else for him to do but play inside.
Bobby and his mother discuss different options, but Bobby refuses to stop playing with his basketball in the kitchen. There is no simple solution to this disagreement that will leave both parties happy. Thus, it is now up to the mother to "pull rank" on Bobby and insist that he stop playing with the ball.
"Pulling rank" isn't always the most enjoyable way for a parent to solve a problem, however it is an important technique to work on. A child's moral development hinges on knowing that his or her parent has the ultimate say in family matters. A child that is aware of this dynamic will have a healthy sense of respect. A parent that wavers in his or her position and is overly influenced by a child's whims can create havoc in a child's development. A child should never feel that he or she runs the household – this feeling of power and entitlement will only cause more issues down the road.
Just say no
As a parent, it is critical that you know how to be decisive and how to stick to your guns, so to speak. No means no – say it firmly and with conviction. Remember that it is better to be strict with your child than "wishy-washy." Children need rules and boundaries in order to develop properly.
If you have difficulty setting limits for your children, understand that you are not trying to punish or hurt your child's feelings. Limits are a way of communicating with your child. If your child fails to comply with your limits, clearly defined consequences should be the result. The following is a chain of reaction that I often recommend to parents:
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When a child first refuses to comply with a request, calmly communicate your point of view with them and clearly explain the consequences for their actions should they decide to continue. This in effect gives the child a second chance to respond in an acceptable way. It also tells the child that the consequences are pre-meditated rather than an act of desperation by a frazzled parent.
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If the child continues to misbehave, remind him or her that they were warned earlier about their behaviour and what the consequences for their actions would be. Stick to your guns at this point and follow through with what you mentioned earlier. Don't cave and offer an additional warning, if you do, your child will be in control.
Separate behaviour from the child
When correcting a child it is important to emphasize that it is the child's behaviour that is unacceptable, and not the child himself or herself. When the focus is on the behaviour, you avoid harming the child's self esteem. To do this, be mindful of how you word your warnings and objections. Let's return to Bobby and his mother to illustrate my point:
Good response: "I don't like your insensitive behaviour of continuing to play with your basketball in the kitchen. If you don't stop you will have to spend the next 15 minutes in a time out in your bedroom."
Bad response: "You are being insensitive and inconsiderate. If you don't stop there will be big consequences!"
Using the "I" message rather than the "you" message is important in the above example because it emphasis that it is the child's behaviour that is bothering the parent, and not the child that is being bad.